applause hello, and welcome tothe big fat quiz of everything. that's right - this is the quiz ofeverything, not just the year, bloody everything. think of it like a pub quiz thatstarted comfort eating.
let's meet the teams -the king of the chat show and the queen of the sketch show, it'sjonathan ross and david walliams. next up, representing canada andireland, two of my favourite countries in the third world,katherine ryan and aisling bea.
next - they're both incrediblyweird, but great mates. it's like they both found imaginaryfriends who were actually real. it's noel fielding andrichard ayoade. katherine, aisling,i've got to ask straight away - talk me through what you're wearing. this is a complete accident. we didnot plan this at all. not at all. we just had no time to get dressedthis evening. we're busy. we're busy women. that's why we're never on the samepanel show, except right now.
yeah. and we brought two extrabitches, just to even it out. that's a real dog? yeah.that's a real dog? you're not working thatwith your thumb? squeaky voice: no, i'm not. how many dogs did you have at theabsolute high point of dog mania in the ross household?nine. nine? nine. your house must havesmelled like poo all the time. well, it smelt like poo already. wegot the dogs to disguise it, really. and it worked. do you let them onthe millennium falcon with you?
applausejimmy laughs they're not dogs,they're wookies, mate. i can't believe, if anyone's going to be given a hardtime about outfits, it's jonathan. and why have you leftthe tie behind? crazy jimmy!what happened? because i wanted to appear,sort of, more casual. why is exposing your neckmore casual? he's just really proud ofhis adam's apple.
give us a swallow, jimmy. it's weird,cos you were saying that, but it's the sort of thing thatdavid normally says. noel, briefly to your outfit, because people will be tuningin that are... bemused. what do you mean?! look, i'll show you it in full.it's like... hold this. that's the only way to show it.it's a swivel.
spin me, richard, spin me. applause and cheers my mum used to wear a kaftan ondate night with my dad. wow. and she'd wear no bra.have you got a bra on tonight? no.no. no bra, sort of sexy, so that's whati think of when i see you in that. i think of my mum with no bra on. can i ask a question, david?yes. why were you there on date night,
knowing about your mother wearingno bra and a kaftan? because we were sent to bed early, and we'd know that my mum and dadwere planning to... moans unenthusiastically and there'd be nuts,and cinzano would come out, and that would be their... it sounds to me like they wereinviting other people round as well. it's a good job my mum will neverwatch this programme. well, my friend up the road,steve, his mum and dad...
he said they had swingers' parties.i said, "i'm sure they don't". he said, "they do". this was beforewe really knew what swingers' parties were.i said, "how do you know? "cos you're never there." he was always sent away to go andstay with an aunt or something. he said, "i found the photographs." wow.and i said, "where are they?" and he showed them to me.oh! and we found the photographs,
and you could see his mum quiteclearly in some of the photographs, which is something i'venever fully recovered from. but the dad, his face wasn't in anyof the photographs, and i said, "how do you know it's your dad?", and he went, "the socks". he had his socks on in everyphotograph, and then, to prove it to me,he got the socks out of the drawer. it's a lovely story, isn't it?i mean... i mean, he gets people in the moodfor a lovely quiz, doesn't he?
what about team names? david, jonathan, have you gota team name this evening? now that tom hiddleston andtaylor swift have split up, there's no more hiddleswift. angeline jolie and brad pitthave split up, there's no more brangelina. we thought why don't we putour names together, like javid or dave-athan? dave-a... but that sounds likesome sort of charity sponsorshipthing, doesn't it?
it does. that's not so good.but we could go with it. i think just call it walliams. just walliams. but that's notthe two names together. it's the w from woss and walliams. cheering and applause all right, walliams.good, ok, walliams. katherine, aisling,what's your team going to be called? well, we've kind of combinedsome of our favourite things. we know there's only two of us,
two of this particular type ofpeople on the show, it drums up a lot of controversy, so we are calling ourselvesthe foreign twerkers. twerkers. foreign twerkers. foreign twerkers?yeah, yeah. i love it. yeah. we're trying to make peopleregret brexit. and twerking. noel, richard, have you got a name? cafe vape.
laughter i don't know if i want to do this.why would you be called cafe vape? don't try and analyse it, jimmy.just go with it. it's... mind your own business,jimmy. ours is the business ofvaping in a cafe. what goes on in cafe vapestays in cafe vape. or the other... cos i think often we can be overlyself-deprecating and hesitant, so i've thought maybehumanity's last hope.
i think go with humanity's lasthope. i like that. all right.all right. your choice, jimmy. your show. ok. so we've got, we've got walliams... foreign twerkers andhumanity's last hope. ok, on with the quiz. our first round is all abouthistory, although thankfully notthe kind on my internet browser. in january, 1793, the king of francelouis xvi was beheaded during the french revolution, but not beforeuttering his famous last words. "buh."
the sinking of the titanicin 1912 was a terrible tragedy, resulting in the deaths ofover 1,500 people, but without it we would never have seen kate winslet'sboobies, so swings and roundabouts. let's get started.here are some questions. for our first question, it's over to fitness guru and bodycoach mr joe wicks. audience: ooh! hi, jimmy. i'm known for getting people inshape and getting them
burning fat, but if i hada time machine and had to go back and help one person, it'd be williamthe conqueror. do you know why? he ate so much food and gotso big and heavy, he couldn't even ride his own horse. so what terrible diet did he useto get himself back in the saddle? right. who's that, all the bee gees? that is... that is fitness gurujoe wicks, or all the bee gees. ok. have you all got answers to thatfirst one? yes. ok, great, ok. as always the children of mitchellbrook primary school have put
together a special schoolplay for us. what big event are they acting outhere? we have made a website. now people can listen to lots ofsongs. free music! no more cds! all: yay! loud footsteps give back our songs. we want ourmoney. we are telling on you. gavel bangs you have been very naughty!
group: yay! both: oh, no! oh, well. we can go onthe other song websites instead. all: yay! beautiful, right? the children of mitchell brookprimary there. so what news story were they actingout? what historical event? can i just confirm that aisling hisstroking a dog? oh! i'm having a great show, guys.i'm very relaxed.
this is what i'm stroking.oh, he's so... ok, so the 1948 london olympics wasknown as the austerity games. the male british athletes had toprovide their own kit. but one sponsor provided them withsomething else. what was it? who was the sponsor? i think i could probably tell youthat without giving it away. who, then? i think it was coopers.were they involved in horses,coopers? they were not involved in horses.are you lying to me? no. i've crossed out horses.
i'd like to see the austerity games,but with austerity the subject matter, so instead peoplecould be, like, wrestling with the idea that the banks are going toforeclose on your house. or, like, the male backstroke couldbe just a woman stroking her husband's back going, "don't worry,jimmy, it's all going to geteasier." why did you'd use the word jimmy? he was my imagination.sometimes i need reassurance. ok, take a look at this footage ofa man hard at work in bradfordin the 1940s. all i want to know is,what's his job?
slow trumpet plays we have, we've got it. we've got it,jimmy. we've got it. you've got it? that was my saturday jobin the '40s. jimmy laughs you had a job in b&q. oh, i didhave... this is a true story. i got a job and b&q.they gave... this is true. they gave me the uniform on thefirst day and it was red dungarees, and i went,"there's no way this can happen. i went home and my mum went,"what are you doing? and i went,"mum, it was red dungarees."
and she went, "all right,fair enough." you used to work in a hooters,right? yeah. and hooters is not, like,a titty bar or anything. did they sell horns? it's an owl sanctuary, and... i opened the first hootersin the uk. you're welcome! and i got fired fromhooters for writing "club sandwiches, not seals"on the lunch board. true story.
have you ever been clubbed, jimmy? cos in a dark alley you sound likea seal when you laugh. i couldn't argue with that. it's a very good point well made,i've got to be very careful. he looks a bit like a seal as well.maybe that's why he's not wearinga tie. very smooth. yeah. place a ball on his nose and see ifit balances. that's how we'll testit. no, leave me alone! i'll do it! jonathan: you see? that's a seal. he seems very confident thathe could place a single ball.
time for a say what you see. oh! ok. i see a seal. a lovely slippery seal. oh, he's made it sound...oh, no. ok. so these pictures are spelling outa famous event from history. can you guess what the event is? famous event. a famous event. yes! we've got it! yes. we've gotit. have you got it though? yes. yes, we have, we have.we've got it, you. we actually have.
you smooth seal lover. we've even got it. you've got it,ok. i know this now. ok, right, i've got some answers,are you ready? have we got something? yeah. so, first we heard from joe wicks, who wanted to know what diet williamthe conqueror used to lose weight. what did you get? we put le atkins. as it was known in france at thetime. le atkins diet. le atkinsdee-ate.
you think william the conquerorinvented the atkins diet? yeah,yeah. yeah. le atkins. ok. katherine, aisling, a more sensibleanswer from you? we... yes, we did a more sensible answer,and we did it in english. lord atkins diet. yeah. you think the atkins as well? you think he's william theconqueror atkins? it's the only one that works, jimmy. noel, richard, what did you put?
no swans before lunch. but try and lay off the candyfloss. well, i can tell you no-one got it. it's an extraordinary diet that hewent on. he actually shunned food. he only drank alcohol to loseweight. oh! that was his policy. sort of like a modern-dayglaswegian. you saw the children of mitchellbrook primary school act out a big event from history. what didyou think it was? napster. napster. you got napster. what did you thinkit was to do with napster?
well, it was to do with the freemusic being given out on napster. and then the rock bands bandedtogether and they said, "no, we're not having this,we want to be paid." what band? what band was it? metallica? you're absolutely right. it wasmetallica. yes! katherine, aisling. we knew it was the napster shutdown.napster got shut down. ok, noel, richard?there's no jokes here. move on. napster, and then i panicked anddrew an eel wearing a top hat. ok, points all round for that. doyou remember how exciting napsterwas?
cos i had it very young, and i thinki was one of the first people. and you really thought you weregoing to go to prison. and they'd tell you all the time,oh, "go to prison" in all theseadverts, and none of us ever wentto prison, not for that. that's not exciting. the idea ofprison. i would get bummed to death.laughter that's a nice phrase, isn't it? no. you're presuming a lot about yourattractiveness, aren't you? "oh, i would be bummed to death!" "i mean, i just couldn't be sent toprison, my lord. i'll be bummed todeath."
i mean, you're reasonably att... on this panel, you're probablythe best looking man in a kaftan. i'll give you that. it's my favourite thing in americawhen they always go, "oh, my god, when my grandmotherdied i was just so bummed. "everyone in my family was bummed.i was almost bummed to deathjust..." all right, so it was napster beingsued by metallica. you all get points for that. ok, next i asked you what freebiewas given to male athletes at
the 1948 london olympics. what have you all got?we put gin. gin. they gave them gin. a book of gin. if you had a, sort of,long-running race, in those days they wouldn't give youwater. you'd have a swig of ginas you ran past. cos it was austerity. water washard to get, but gin, everywhere. gin was very cheap. right, ok. katherine, aisling,what did you put?
one brazen whore. the dog is now leaving you asa protest. revealing. he doesn't like yourpity. noel, richard? starting pistols. all the male athletes were giventheir own starting pistols? and... and personal finishing linesso that you could win a race without getting outof your chair. bang, wow. noel fires imaginary pistol.
bang, wow. who's won? who's won? you've won. daddy's won. bang, wow. personal best in the bag. that was actually a george formbysong, 'bang, wow.' bang, wow? well, i cantell you none of you got it right. they were actually given y-fronts.they were each given... all they got was just a pair ofy-fronts. the good people of cooperssponsored the games. whose legs are they coming in fromthe left? the sock guy. yes.
it's steve's dad. what did the women get to wear forthe olympics, jimmy? i don't think they got... i think they had to bring their ownuniforms, their own kit, and then they just... there was no talk ofwomen's unmentionables, because they wereunmentionable at the time. no, they weren't allowed tocompete in the olympics. let's all just take a momentto check our privilege.
ok. katherine, i'm still not allowed tocompete in the olympics. i showed you footage of aman tapping on people's windows. what do you think his job was? noel: what people don't realise,jimmy, is that's his finger. that's how he got that job. noel, richard, what did you think? duellist. slash pole-vaulter. pole-vaulter scout.
katherine, aisling,what did you put? well, we put, but i spelt it wrong,phantom tickler. but i wrote heckler. cos i think i was working throughsome issues. i'd say both are wrong. we didn't know. phantom heckler,phantom tickler are both wrong. we got it. we know this one.it's a knocker-upper. it used to go round and wake peopleup in the morning. they'd tap on the window."can you get up, please? "you need to go to the factory now.thank you!"
was he that camp? probably."thank you so much. "i'll at the factory in tenminutes!" you need to be in the coal mine,dear!" "all right, dear, i'm coming!" and that's your bradford accent,is it? that's my impression of people whoworked in coal mines in the 1930s, yes, it's very accurate. i thought knocker-upper was, like,someone you bring home to yourmother. you know, like, "oh, she's a realknocker-upper. i'd get her pregnant,like."
a knocker-upper. like one of those guys who,like, just crimples a bit of plastic by the bed and sayshe's putting on a condom. i can tell you, jonathan and david,you got it exactly right. it was called a knocker-upper.thank you. he used to wake people up forshift work. thank you. and finally, you saw a say what yousee. what event in history you think itwas? it was king edward abdicates.
katherine, aisling?we got it right as well. we said king ed wood abs jackates. you got jack dee, but you went withthe jack, not the dee? yeah, like, ab jackates. that'sgood. yeah. ok. noel, richard? ab jackates sound likeyou've ejaculated a throne, though. which is... hard on the urethra. well, you all get points,points all around there. yes! yes, it was king edward abdicates. so at the end of the first round,let's check in on the scores.
jonathan and david have three,katherine and aisling have two, noel and richard have two.pretty close. time for us to take a quick break so we can let katherine's dogsoutside for a quick peeand a run around. welcome back to the big fatquiz of everything. this round is all about music. we'll look back at some of thepeople responsible for thegreatest music in history, from mozart to john lennon, right up to the blokewho dumped adele.
groans before he died, elvis was grosslyoverweight, refused to diet and had no regard for his health,or to put it another way, elvis was american. time for some more questions.yes. ok. first up,it's over to channel 4 news, where our very own anchorman, jonsnow is reporting on a classic hit. the met office has issued a severeweather warning ahead of adverse conditions expectedfrom 10.30 tonight.
forecasters had previously reportedrising humidity and low readings on the barometer, precipitation is expected to be darkand lean followed by a rough, tough, strong and mean frontmoving in from the south. sources have indicated that thisunusual phenomenon is best witnessed from the streets, with lonely women urged to leavetheir umbrellas at home. those unable to go outside areadvised to rip off the roof and stay in bed. flooding anddisruption to travel is expected.
back to you, jimmy. i need the song and the artist.got it. got both. got it. what is the connectionbetween this... music: when i'm cleaning windows # ladies' nighties i have spied # i've often seen what goes insidewhen i'm cleaning windows. # this... music: god save the queen and this.
music: love to love you, baby yes, we've got it. we've got it. we've got it. we've got it. i worry, though, have you got it?yeah, we've got it. we have got them all. got it. in a recent poll, life by des'ree was voted as havingthe worst lyrics of all time. the first verse containsthese lines...
"i don't want to see a ghost,it's the sight that i fear most". all i want to know is,what's the next line? this is hard. des'ree actually gave up music justa few years before recording that. in 2001... this is a questiondesigned for noel fielding. surely this is the one thingyou may know. in 2001, the band kiss brought outa range of merchandise, but which item promptedgene simmons to say, "i love living, but this makes thealternative look pretty damn good."
is this like noel's christmasphoto of his family? do you know, i've got a real storyabout kiss, do you want to know, this is true. what's your true storyabout kiss? when i was seven or six,my mum and dad took me to a kiss concert and i dressed upas gene simmons and then the tour manager of kisssaw me, i was like, this big, but immaculate costume. he said, "oh, my god, gene has gotto see this - he'll absolutely "love it", so he took me off to meetgene - obviously it was the '70s,
my mum and dad didn't mind my goingoff with a total stranger... i went to gene's dressing room andhe said, "look, just go in, "i'll knock on the door andyou just go in, it'll absolutelyfreak him out, he'll love it." i went in,and there was nobody in there... i was standing there and then therest of the band came in and saw me and just thought that genehad shrunk. that's a true story. wow. i know. finally, shaggy released his smashhit it wasn't me in the year 2000.
in the song, he gives advice to hisfriend mr rick rock after he's been caught by his girlfriend ina number of compromising situations. can you name three of the places rick rock was allegedly seenmaking love? hold on. what is the name of the manwe're talking about? mr rick rock. so we're talking about where shaggymade love or wick wock made love? no, shaggy is just givingadvice to his friend... rick rock's a nightmare for you!so shaggy is talking to wick wock? rick rock. rick wock. rick wock.
wick rock. wick wock. rik-wok. david, you're now saying it wrong.rick rock. wick wock, yes, i got it! you just said wick wock! who isrick rock anyway, i don't even know! he's shaggy's friend! i've never heard of him! i think it's time shaggy got somenew friends, with better names. ok, are you ready for some answers?yes, jimmy.
you saw jon snow reporting ona classic dance floor filler - what was the song? the weather girls, it's raining men. yeah. it's actually my anthem. aisling? we put, it's raining men.weather girls! what did you think it was,noel, richard? it seems a bit convenient that theywere called the weather girls. what do you mean, convenient? well, did they come up with a songand then just come up with...
i mean, it doesn't add up. anyway. it just smacks of convenience. we've got it's raining menin the corner, look, but then he's put frog chorus,like an absolute lunatic. let's go back to jon snowto confirm. # it's gonna start raining men # it's raining menhallelujah # it's raining menamen # i'm gonna go outi'm gonna let myself get
# absolutely soaking wet # it's raining men # every specimen # tall, blonde, dark and lean # rough and toughand strong and mean. # who's not absolutelysoaking wet after that? just imagine if that's allyou were given to wank to. 100 years... that would be tough. when were you given stuff to wankto? when did that happen, david?
"here are your wanking materials. "now, get back in the cave..." "if that was all you were givento wank to...?!" it would certainly be a challenge,but i think doable. ok, i asked you, what was theconnection between when i'm cleaning windows, god save thequeen, and love to love you, baby? noel, richard - what do you think? thank you with that expectationthat we'd be wrong. go on, what have you got? they werebanned. ok, katherine, aisling?
well, we had a disagreement.what did you think? aisling thought they were all numberones and i said, "no way, "they're all about sex". right, i mean... george formby'spredates the charts... definitely not number one.and then you think sex? that was so aggressive, jimmy. yeah! that was the most weirdlyaggressive thing. by the way, there weren't evencharts when that came out,
so, like, loser. er, second point... no-one'seven had sex with the queen. and like, third point, no. if you look at jimmy and george,it looks like you, but if you look in the back ofa spoon. i'm at least right with the sex, cos george formby was like, "oh,i'm looking in your windows, seen "your knickers, oh, i'm so charmingbecause i've got a tiny guitar." he's not a cockney! is he not?he was from up north. is he?
and, second, it's a ukulele.yeah, second point, actually. i hate you guys. whoa! wahey! back off! what's going on? no-one cares! we're all united, here.we're all one. we all have problemsexpressing intimacy. we all find it hard to bevulnerable. let's work as a team. do you want a go on the puppy,richard? i would like a go on the puppy.ahhh!
oh, my god.a "go" on the puppy?! i didn't want to challenge her useof language there. now, what's this one? it's megan. megan. hello, megan. no, that's not jimmy, that's george. the charts weren't even inventedwhen george... jonathan, david, what did you have? we put they were all banned. banned. ok, well, i can tell you that noeland richard and jonathan anddavid, you got it absolutely right.
they were all banned by the bbc. in 1936, they bannedwhen i'm cleaning windows, because of the lyrics, they thoughtthey were smutty - "ladies' nighties i have spied,i've often seen what goes inside". just, i mean,way too much for the radio. god save the queen was bannedin 1977 for gross bad taste, for criticising the monarch. because presumably,the bbc thought it was 1677. love to love you, babywas banned in 1975
for its 23 seconds of orgasmbecause i think the bbc were suspicious thatdonna summer was faking it. but love to love you, babyis like a 16-minute-long song, so it's absolutely nota sexual song, because the men i date would befinished by then and texting me from an uber,which they would be driving... i asked you, in des'ree's classicsong life, what followed the lyric, "i don't want to see a ghost,it's the sight that i fear most." ok, ladies, what have we got?
# i'd rather have a piece of toastand watch the evening news # life, oh, life, oh, life. # i didn't know you couldn't sing! are they the lyrics? yes! they're so shit! noel, richard -what did you think it was? i can't imagine a world wheresomeone could write something that bad, so i put, "i'm callingto scooby-doo or scrappy doo". ok, it doesn't even rhyme. better!
jonathan, david?we wrote this as a joke. i would like some toast,not knowing, but is that indeed the lyric? ok, let's take a look. treatyourselves, everyone. good luck. # i don't want to see a ghost # it's the sight that i fear most # i'd rather have a piece of toast # watch the evening news. # # life, oh, life!
# oh, life... # oh, life! # that's incredible. so points to katherine and aislingand points to jonathan and david. thank you. we guessed that. no points to you. ok, i asked you what unusual item ofmerchandise was brought out by kiss in 2001. what did you think it was?
oh, my god, noel! was it not a range of coffins?well, it was the kiss casket, but you've evenspelt it with the same kthey spelt it with. well, obviously, if you're kiss, they'd have to spell it with a k.i mean... everything is spelt with a k,it's the brand. katherine, aisling,what did you get? katherine thought of it,but i wrote down guns. you thought it was kiss guns?
david, jonathan, what did you think?we put koffin with a k. well, it was the kiss kasket -take a look. it's pretty cool. oh, yeah. so, kiss koffins, you get a point,koffins you get a point, you get nopoint for gun. kiss didn't bring out a gun - yet. ok, lastly, i asked if you couldlist any of the places rick rock was seen making love in shaggy's hitsong it wasn't me? what do you think? kitchen, bathroom, bradford.
that's a hell of a shock. ok - katherine, aisling?we got them all. she caught me kissing on the sofa.it wasn't me. caught me kissing in the shower.it wasn't me. even got me in the bedroom. wasn't me.even something in the shower. i mean, you got more than enoughthere. beautifully delivered, might i say.singing is a beautiful thing. in a cargo bay, in a wind tunnel,in a tiger's cornea...
..in waitrose. laughter and applause say what you want about thatanswer - it's not correct, but those are the guys you wantwriting the lyrics. that is... thank you. let's have a listen. # but she caught me on the counterit wasn't me # saw me banging on the sofait wasn't me # i even had her in the showerit wasn't me # she even caught me on camerait wasn't me. #
ok, time now fora special bonus round. i'm going to show you threeclassic album covers, all have been subtly improved. can you tell me what the albums are? ok, so here's the first one. the first album cover... name that album. oh, this is the worst...and the next one. oh, yes.
that furrowed brow. and the third one is... you look like hitler ondress-down fridays. ok, have you all got three answers?yes. well, let's have a look -jonathan, david? what did you get? we thought blink 182, but i don'tknow what the album's called. i think you would probably getpoints just for blink 182. katherine, actually, did you get...? the album is blink 182,what's my name again?
er, no! all the small things!you can have blink 182. is it all the small things? the album is actually calledenema of the state. enema of the state, great pun.now it makes sense. ok, next one. did you all get the next one? yeah. adele, 21. you put, katherine,aisling...? adele, 23. there isn't an adele, 23.
noel, what did you answer? but seriously, by adele. it does kind of look like that,doesn't it? no jacket required, by adele. this looks like an advertfor impotence. well, i can tell you the secondwas me as adele, 21. and the last one there... simon and garfunkel,bridge over troubled water. was it, now, or was it...
bummed to death! only thing better than that answeris how pleased you are with thatanswer. what did you get, noel, richard? i put troubled waters. it's me and jonathanas simon and garfunkel. bridge over troubled water. well, i can tell you, jonathan,david, you got all three right, katherine, aisling, you got two, andnoel and richard, you got all three. so, at the end of that round,the scores are... katherine and aisling
in last place with seven, noel and richard with eight, jonathan and david with ten. cheering join us after the break when we'llall be a little bit closer to death. don't miss it! welcome back tothe big fat quiz of everything. our next round is all about filmand tv, so whether you like watching pirated films or illegally streamingtv shows, this round is for you.
lord of the rings fans recently voted gollum theirfavourite ever character. gaunt, pale and hermit-like they may be, but those fanslove gollum. time for some questionsabout film and tv. have a look at this clip ofthe bbc show pebble mill in 1973, featuring a state-of-the-artdemonstration from the doctor who special-effects team.check it out. the pebble mill at onespecial-effects department
isn't doing too well at the momentover there, but outside, i think we can use one of yourmonsters again right now to hopefully walk straight throughthat pane of glass. here he goes. oh! jimmy, that's you going to work. ok, so, well,you saw there a cyberman. well, we saw an out-of-work actorin a suit. ok, you saw an out-of-work actor...no, you saw a cyberman...
jimmy in tinfoil. you saw me in tinfoil. apart from the cybermenand the daleks, can you name one otherenemy of doctor who? easy! i can name ten! name ten, then. great. the weather.i've never seen doctor who. the weather. move it along. go.come on, tinfoil man, let's do this. i'm going back to sleep. i love doctor who in my house,
because it's so easy to explain tomy daughter how people regenerate. like, "mommy, how do they...?""oh, you know how sometimes mommy's "boyfriend was dave andall of a sudden it's nathan?" ok, classic horror movie scream wasreleased in 1996, and it laid out three things you should never do ifyou want to survive a horror movie. what were they?you've got to write them down. three things that you must never doin a horror film. to survive the horror film, thereare three things you must never do. i'm imagininghe's going to know this.
sure. it's in a film.he's bound to know. ok. the bbc's nationwide programmeregularly gave a platform to uniquelytalented people. in 1974, tony mccabe demonstrateda technique he claimed allowed him to jump on hen's eggs andhuman noses without breaking them. what was that technique? i know the answer to this!what is it? ok, next question. in the eighties and nineties,one of arnold schwarzenegger's
trademarks was his quipswhen killing bad guys. have a look at arnie in one ofhis most iconic roles as he brutally gets rid of a baddie inthis exciting scene from commando. what i want to know iswhat's arnie's next line? oh! john, i'm not going to shoot youbetween the eyes. i'm going to shoot youbetween the balls! living with arnold schwarzenegger,i'm sure it'd be terrible, but if he had to break bad news, itwould be, "kids, the dog is dead," and you wouldn't know whetherit was meant to be a joke or not.
"jimmy, no-one loves you."you know what i mean? it'd be hard. yeah. ok, have a look at this jauntylittle musical number sung by the one and only tony monopoly.what tv event is he introducing? # girls, girls, girlsgirls, girls, girls # girls, girls, girlsgirls, girls, girls # dressed yellow, red,black or white # add a little bit of moonlight # for this intercontinental romance
# shy girls, sexy girls # they all love that fancy world # champagne, a gentle songand a slow dance # who makes it funto spend your money? # who calls you honeymost every day? # girls, girls, girls... # so, i'd like to know what thatminicab driver is singing about. you didn't know who tony monopolywas, did you, noel? did anyone in the room?
the sad thing is that years laterhe got in trouble and he was sent to jail, andhe wasn't allowed to collect â£200. couldn't pass go. that is...jonathan laughs that is an awful thing to happento someone called monopoly, because of the board game.what a coincidence. because if he hadn't been calledmonopoly, i don't think it would have stung half as muchas it must have. that's the real sentence. if he wastony connect-four or barry ludo...
ok. right, are you readyfor some answers? yes, jimmy. ok. aside from the daleksand the cybermen, i asked you could you name one otherterrifying doctor who enemy. what have you gone for, katherine? we were torn betweencredibility and vaginas. the enemy of doctor whois vaginas? yeah. cos, like, i've never sleptwith anyone who went to a convention for anything. i also would like to see the propsdepartment just get two bits
of ham and be like... "oh, no, it's a vagina! let'schange over to the next actor." i don't know how it goes. ok, noel, richard,what have you put? the weather. the enemy of doctor whois the weather? yeah. also time and himself. ok, so katherine, aisling,no points, noel, richard, no points. jonathan, david, what did you put? sontarans. yes. the master.the ice monsters. the weng-chiang.
the weeping angels.sea devils. the rani. er, the giant robots,dinosaur invasion. so you could just say dinosaurs. they are all correct, nerds. you get a point for all ofthose answers. no, we get bonus points, cos you said we could write as manyas we could, and we wrote a lot. we actually ran out of space.one point. fuck you.
ok. so, i asked you, what were thethree things you should never do, according to scream, if you want tosurvive in a horror movie. what have you got? don't have sex.don't have sex is one of them. don't go out in the darkand don't scream. ok, you got one out of three there.katherine and aisling? we think we have it. so, run upstairs, have sexand answer the phone. no. well, one.have sex is the first one. oh, not answer the phone,cos everyone who dies, you know,
"hello?" "do you like scary movies?"and then they always end up dying. it's not one of the rules.noel, richard? go for it. garden. boom! make a citizen's arrest. boom. you don't have timein a slasher film to make an... you've got to save yourself. disobey newton's laws. you couldn't help yourself,could you? the only question we could have gotright, and you've got to make jokes.
so, one of them is saying,"i'll be right back." that is correct. have sex. that iscorrect. the other one i don't know. it might be garden. so, you got one point, you got onepoint, you get two points for that. the actual rules were never havesex, never drink or do drugs, and never say, "i'll be right back." yeah, we got that.i should have known that. useful if you want tosurvive a horror movie. ok, i asked you how tony mccabewas able to stand on
a hen's egg and human noses withoutbreaking them. what did you put? no, you said jump, and i put,"he never landed." that is sort of correct. i will giveyou a point for that. thank you. yes! what did you guys put? we puthe kind of barely touched them, he sort of tiptoes over thembut doesn't really land on them. he sort of jumps and then...and what did you...? we put, "boil them." did you think he boiled the eggsand then he was fine, was he? yeah. well, take a look. take a lookat this incredible man in action.
we bring you the uniquemr tony mccabe, a man who claims he can jump on hen's eggs andhuman noses without breaking them. now the legs come in? i'm going too high. there. i felt it click.oh, there we are. that's it, is it? oh, yeah, i felt it click, yes.oh, that is the jumping on the eggs? oh, yes, it's definitelybeen jumped on. did he put those two eggsin a stick of dynamite? oh, yeah, a bit more dangerous.so, who got that?
i'm going to give a point to noeland richard there. he never lands. hang on, that was tiptoes.and tiptoes, yeah. so points, points, no points. ok. i asked you how arnie responded tothe death of a bad guy in commando. what do you think he said? "let off some steam.""you want to let off some steam." well, that would bea very callous thing to say. katherine, aisling,what did...? same. "that's one way to let off steam."
ok. and, noel, richard? "pipe down." "pipe down" is good, yeah.and "don't exhaust yourself." they're both...! i mean... take a look. let off some steam, bennett. even though they got the answertechnically incorrect, could i suggest that maybe you offera bonus point to richard and noel if richard would give us hisarnold schwarzenegger impersonation?
i mean, i think it's a fine idea. we can trick him into doing itand then not give him the point. i mean, you do know i can hear? you want me to say the pipe... please, but in the schwarzeneggervoice. "pipe down." "don't exhaust yourself." yes! that is very good.applause so points to jonathan and david,points to katherine and aisling. and finally, we had a lookat a jaunty little song called
girls girls girls. i wanted to knowwhat event it was introducing. what did you put? i thought missgreat britain, and i wrote that, and then jonathan said cheltenham. that looks like the races, likecheltenham. they're at the seaside. yeah, but isn't that by the seaside?i thought it was a dolphin race. so i think it's miss great britain. ok, miss great britain.katherine, aisling? we didn't know, so we just putlove island 1971. o...ok. erm, and...
i panicked. i've got to say i panicked.and what did you go for? robot wars. i can tell youthe answer was... it was... it was miss great britain 1980, heldin morecambe. well done, david. time for a quick bonus round. we've taken movie reviewsfrom amazon written by the public. all you need to do is listencarefully and see if you can work out what films thesearmchair critics are describing.
and in case it helps, we've got oneof our most distinguished actors, charles dance, to read them out.here's the first one. which penguin was morgan freemansupposed to be? none of the penguinssounded like morgan freeman. his voice was everywhere! my son daniel asked me if he wastrapped in the ice below. what was i supposed to tell the kid? i said, "yes," and we hada good cry together. one star.
what film was being reviewed there?ok, write that down. all right. what are your answers?let's have a look. happy feet? you thought morgan freeman was doingthe voice in happy feet. yes. but he did it so well, you couldn't tell it was him,so they were confused. you think the kid was crying in...?wasn't happy about happy feet? ok, they mentioned penguins,so we thought happy feet, ok? you've already got the answer,so don't look so smug. you wouldn't know these answersif you sat here.
katherine, aisling? we're prettyconfident we got it right. it's march of the penguins. march of the penguins. ok.noel, richard? shawshank redemption. it's a joke. we have putmarch of the penguins. well, let's have a look. it wasof course march of the penguins. you've got to listen very carefullyto this one. take a look. i've got a 42-inch panasonic lcd tvwith blu-ray, and it's the business. i don't expect to have to watchblack-and-white films on it.
it's not 1978. save up and buy a colour camera,mr spielberg, you moron. then perhaps people will watchyour stupid films. charles dance is justkilling it, isn't he? ok, so what film was beingreviewed there? schlinder... schlindler's list.write down... you don't say it like that! write down the answers.schindler's list. you know how the game works, right?you write down the answers.
you just asked us!and i'm telling you. well, i've asked forall the questions, then you write them down and then wego through them. schindler's list. it's like we're watchingyour audition tape, the one before liam neeson went in. "david, great to get youin the room. "you just really need to saythe list right. so just go again." schlingered list. "ok. we're goingto have you in the background." i can't spell it, either,but it's schlindler's list.
ok. let's have a lookand see what you got. jonathan, david, what have you got?both: schlinder's list. ok. katherine, aisling?well, we also put schindler's list. ok and, noel, richard? yeah. if he'd stayed on for a bit,he would have seen some red. well, i can tell you the answer isschindler's list. points all round. ok, final one of these. there were no wolves in this movie. it's so good! someone said,"i'd better go to the internet.
"i'd better review this one. "no bloody wolves in it. one star." we've got it. you've got it. ok.noel, richard? dances with wolves. there are wolvesin dances with wolves. neither of us had seen it, andwe imagined that there weren't... wolf costumes, maybe,but not wolves. is that the kevin costner vehiclewhere he dances with a wolf? but does he dance with them?does he?
cos if there's no dancing, one star. katherine, aisling? we've put wolfof wall street and not, underneath, oh, you definitely weren'thedging your bets there. no! we wanted to reiterate how muchwe didn't think it was that. and we drew a picture of a wolf. ok. jonathan, david? we also went withwolf of wall street. well, i can tell you the answeris...wolf of wall street. applausepoints...
a point, i guess. no points. let's take a look at the scores. ok, jonathan and david have 17,katherine and aisling have 12, noel and richard have 13.jonathan: yes! we're doing this! join us after the break, because your plans for the eveninghave clearly fallen through. see you in five.cheering and applause welcome back to the big fat quiz ofeverything. our next round is all about people.
here's a recap of some of history'smost important movers and shakers. lance armstrong was the world'sgreatest cyclist. he won the tour de france anincredible seven times but was stripped of the titlesfollowing a doping scandal. it wasn't that he'd just been takingdrugs - he was also peddling. al capone was a notorious americangangster and criminal mastermind, but he was eventually sent toprison for tax evasion. he really should have hada word with my guy. no.
fine? aged 18, joan of arc led an army ina military campaign to drive the english out of france. now that is what i call a gap year. that is what i call a gap year isa bad album. a lot of dodgy on it, kula shaker,you know the drill. ok, are you ready for morequestions? of course you are. right, first up, it's over to thesecond best host of countdown, mr nick hewer.
hi, jimmy. when it comes to selling, i've got a few tips having been inpr for about 1,000 years. but i have to doth my cap tothe ladies of rylestone women's institute, who, way back in 1999, took part inone of the most amazing, successful publicitystunts of all time. can your teams remember whatthey got up to? oh, yeah. so what publicity stuntwere the ladies of rylestone women's instituteinvolved in?
got it. ok. right, next question. it's over tothe one and only joey essex, who's trying to wrap his brain round the life and work of aninternational icon. who on earth is he talking about? he looks like a bit of a geek, fashion-y, scientist. he's got ridiculous white hair, like the colour of snow.
if this guy walked into thesugar hut looking like that, i reckon he'd get rated. tomato soup? to me, that's not art. that's more... emoji art. an actress. she looks like an oompa loompa, but like a pink versioninstead of orange.
i'm trying to think of her name. is it britney spears? marilyn munroe? perfect. i have hear of pop art,for some reason, unless i'm thinking of pop tarts. this guy claims that, in the future, everyone will be famousfor 15 minutes. it's not true.
i've not even been famousfor 15 minutes. or have i? what was the question?what are we meant to be doing? i got confused. you got confused? poor joey. he was talking about anicon of the 20th century. who was he talking about? ok. what do you think? for a minute i had it and it's gone. but... and then you...
oh, yes. yes, or...i gave it to him. why did this mean receive over twobillion phone calls? wow. oh! i've got it! it sounds like it might becontagious. erm... nobody's gota phone like that anymore. ah, yes! we are on a roll. we are on an absolute roll. i gave you the second one. get lost!he's not...
would you like us to give you thisone? yeah, please. we can't. ok. author salman rushdie spent overnine years in hiding in the '90s, but what form of entertainment didhe say helped him through? tetris. what form...? what form of entertainment? is it? let's just... i don't know. it feels right. go with your spirit.
and finally, which iconic character is this? oh, my god! holy shit! noel! why has he gota thesaurus on his head? the cup's good though, isn't it? all right, everyone finished?everyone got something? we've got them all. excellent. ok, so nick hewer asked you whatpublicity stunt the ladies of
rylestone women's institutewere famous for? did you get this? yes. yes. yes. they pumped up the jam. pump it up. they make jam. the women's institute. the make jam? and that was theirpublicity stunt, they made some jam? yeah! loads of jam. ok, noel, richard,what did you go for? human pyramid.
er... we know. they're on it now. it was a naked human pyramid and then someone drovea motorcycle through the arch. jonathan, david. calendar girls. they were the calendar girls and,for a bonus point, who has written the new musicalabout the calendar girls? bonus point. gary barlow. bonus point. thank you.
i mean, they started a trend. other people did it. the stony stratford bowling clubdid it. ooh. oh, yeah. yeah. go on, girl, get involved. the portsmouth inland revenuedid it. oh, yeah. yeah! and london cabbies. woo!
god, uber hit them pretty hard,didn't it? ok, ok.you got that absolutely right. that was the originalcalendar girls. ok, you saw joey essex learningabout an internationally famousicon. who do you think it was? warhol.you think warhol? you think...? warhol instead of hole. look, in good conscience, i think we need to admit that we putsomething else down first.
no, no. we thought of...david, david, david. andy warhol. and what did you put down first?what did we put down first? we put down einstein and wecrossed that out, and we wrote warhol. why did we...?why did we change our mind, david? because noel fielding toldus the answer. woman gasps see? he knows about gary barlow,i know about warhol, that's how it works. i'm an art student, he's a twat.
ok, well, it was...it was andy warhol. points-all round. ok, good. i asked you why this man receivedover two billion phone calls. david walliams. he was the speakingclock. all: oh...! the voice of the speaking clock. he didn't actually take all thosecalls - it was a recorded voice. you looked very close, catherine.what did you...? jonathan did help bymiming it to us.
i was going watch and i wasgoing speaking. watch. speaking. what we wrote down was... we apologise to the viewersat home for this. did you write "jonathan's wrist"?we wrote "talking cock". because it was jonathan speaking.yeah. noel, richard? yeah, speaking clock. speaking clock.you're absolutely right. you're absolutely right.no points for you. i asked you how salman rushdie kepthimself entertained during
his time in hiding.what did you put? did he watch the weakest link a lot? he loved ann robinson andhe couldn't tear himself away. he watched the weakest link. and he really wanted to be onthe celebrity one, but he was in hiding for writingthat naughty book. couldn't do it. jonathan, david,you've gone for the weakest link. it's not the weakest link. catherine, aisling, what did youthink?
well, we just looked at him andwe figured that he was watching harry potter a lot. in the '90s? before it came out? ok.yeah. noel, richard? mini golf, tetris. kickboxing. well,you were very close with tetris. take a look at the man himself. i've become a master of thenintendo machine.
i think i've become very good atdefeating all sorts of tiny little two-dimensional enemies... by jumping on them,stomping them into oblivion... or knocking them over fromunderneath, and unleashing fireballs at them, or all the other gifts and powersthat one acquires when one adopts the role of... of one of the mario bros. he's taken all the fun out of that.
i can understand why it took himten years to apologise cos he speaks slooowly. he does. ok, so it was mario bros. he was playing mario bros. it's a good game. ok, so no points foranyone on that one. finally, i asked you - who is this? ronald mcdonald.
the original. the original ronald mcdonald. yes! what do you think,catherine aisling? we put bozo,the famous cup sniffer! we didn't know. it's an excellent guess. imagine if that had been right.what did you put? we thought it was... we thought itwas something to do with opera. like paganini.we wrote paganini. crying clown.
i know who he is! we wished we'd visiteda mcdonald's recently because we think they're right. it was the first incarnation ofronald mcdonald, before the decided it might be anidea to make him a little bit less... completely fucking terrifying. have a look under your desks. you'll each find an item ofclothing once worn by a celebrity.
all i want to know is -who wore what? so if you could all put these on... ok, so you've got to put on your...i already know mine. if you pop these on. you've got to name all six. i've never felt more alive, jimmy. it's a great look. richard,that is only half your costume. we've got the other half to come in.
could we bring in the other halfof richard's costume? audience: ooh!that goes on his... wait a second, wait a second. come on. yeah, pop it on his shoulders there. are you having a fucking laugh? oh, wow. it's squeezing.it's squeezing in. it's definitely a man-killer. ok, so you've got to writedown who wore what.
quick as you like. quick...as you like. ok, time is a factor here becauserichard has got about four minutes. hey... what's everyone wearing? chatter catherine? yeah? could you come round the front?cos we haven't seen your costume. ok... i didn't even spell thatright.
jimmy, can i be excused fromwriting this round? don't do that near the snake! i mean, it's exceptional. it's going down, it's going down,it's still going down. snake's going down. catherine, will you stay still? ok, do you wantme to take the snake for a second while you...? while you write down? cos you've got to write downsome answers.
noel, can you...? er...i'm not sure. why is it the colour of lemonmeringue? it's... that's it's diet -that's what it eats. ok. a lot of lemon meringue. all right, that's fine.i've got him. don't let aisling near him.aisling's dressed like meat. oh, yeah. he'll try and eat me. so i want to know whateveryone's wearing. oh, god!
look at george of the jungle! ok, so what's...?what's everyone wearing? it's not a tie, jimmy. n...no. no, no, no, no, no! the waistcoat. the waistcoat. hang on. i might need...i mean, that's genuinely scary. let's take a look at your answers. so i asked you whateveryone was wearing.
jonathan, david, what did you get? ok... we got madonna wearingthe pink thing. bjork. shia labouf. mc hammer. lady gaga. britney spears. ok. catherine, aisling. yeah. they said the same. did you? ok, britney, shia labouf,gaga, mc hammer, bjork, madonna. and thenlady gaga, bjork, madonna...
how slow are you reading?..britney... the snake is moving. ..mc hammer... richard? yeah. if you, you know, i'll make sureyour kids are alright. ok. let's get rid of the snake. points all-round! yay! so let's have a look and see howthey're meant to look. i can tell you jonathan is wearingmadonna's conical bra
from her 1990 blonde ambition tour. david is wearing the swan dressbjork wore at the 2001 oscars. catherine is wearingmc hammer's trousers from the '90s classicyou can't touch this. aisling has got lady gaga's 2010video music awards meat dress on. noel is wearing the paper bagshia labouf sported at the 2014 berlin film festival. and, of course,richard is wearing britney spears' 2001 vma's outfit, complete with analbino burmese python.
ok, let's take a look and see whatthat's done to the scores. so, in last place, we've gotcatherine and aisling with 19points. noel and richard are beatingyou with 22. but, in the lead, jonathan and davidwith 26! come on, come on. join us after the break when,hopefully, richard will have put awayhis snake. see you in a few minutes. this next round is all aboutscience, brought to you in collaboration with scientistsfrom cern, mit and laboratoires garnier.
before the questions, i will give you a quick refreshercourse on all things scientific. the first-ever mammal to be clonedwas dolly the sheep. no-one knows how many sheephave been cloned since, because every time the scientiststry to count, they fall asleep. the hardest thing in the human bodyis tooth enamel. or is it, ladies? yeah. yeah, it is. yeah. francis crick and james watson bothclaim to be the father of dna, but which one is the real father?
if only there wasa way to find out. now, time for some morebig fat questions. first up, have a look at this newsbulletin from the early days of robotics. archive: meet alpha the robot. constructed entirely of metal butcontrolled only by the voice. man: fire. tell me, do you like little boys? robot: no.
do you like little girls? well, do you like the ladies? yes. that was an early prototype ofme. um... so that was alpha the robotthere from 1934. eight years later sci-fi writerisaac asimov came up with the three laws oof robotics.what were they? jonathan: yes. what were the threelaws of robotics? i know them. that's a strong look. isn't thata strong look? take that, hipsters.
that's the next look.laughter next question. the distancefrom your elbow to your wrist is the same as what? i'll give you a clue -it's another part of the anatomy. the distance from there to there. well, i think i know where you'vegone with this. i don't know. the distance... the wrist to theelbow is the same as...? and we can't say, "the other arm"?we've got to rule that out? that is a very good answer.i'm putting that down.
you can't say, "the other arm."don't you think so? hm. ok. next question. with the help of this newborn baby, the scientist is demonstratingsomething. can you tell me what? i've got it. over to gold medal-winning supercouple laura and jason kenny. both: hi, jimmy. now, we did pretty wellat the rio olympics. like most olympic cyclists, we werecompeting on a cervelo t5gb.
but can your teams tell us by whatname the velocipede, the first proper pedal bike,was more commonly known? so, what was the first properbicycle popularly known as? ok. bill gates founded microsoft andhelped revolutionise home computing. but in 1994, in a tv interview, he demonstrated a particularlyunusual physical talent. what was it? you've got to write down bill gates'hidden party piece. he looks exactly like the bassistfrom rem.
all right.you ready for some answers? i'm going to ask you what thethree laws of robotics were, as stated by isaac asimov.noel, richard, what do you think -the laws of robotics? don't let the beat controlyour feet. don't let the beat control yourfeet. under any circumstances. two. be punctual. three. no genocide. it's as simple as that, jimmy. ok.
katherine, aisling, what did youget? rule number one. don't talk about robotics. rule number two. refer to rulenumber one. rule number three. don't kill humans. one of those is wrong. yes! we've got the first one -thou shalt do no harm to humans. the second one is, you shall obey humans unlessit contradicts rule number one. and the third rule was, you shallprotect yourself
unless it contradicts rulesone and two. that's 100% right. yes, of course. i don't like that robotics hasinspired the robot dance. you know, that one. why don't you like it? yeah, yeah,yeah. because... that's quite good. dancing is supposed to bean advertisement for how you would be in bed. and i don't want to... is it?that feels... that feels pretty accurate to me.i dance for about 30 seconds.
oh, my god, you've seen my sex tape! all right, so points to jonathan anddavid there. well done. thank you. i asked you what the distance fromyour elbow to your wrist is the same as. what did you put? the other arm. the same bit on theother arm. that bit to there is the same asthat bit there. it's a mirror. dude, we did this joke in the late'90s. they did do that joke earlier. did they? yes. it's the other arm isthe actual answer. it's not a joke. we're giving you the answer.that's the actual answer.
guys, you wrote down the jokethat you did earlier? we did write down the joke.you weren't paying attention.you're in the same room. well, we were laughing at ourreally good joke. what did you get for this,katherine, aisling? we said that length of this is what length of sausage you're looking for. you know what we mean! like in a breakfast.
i can tell you,no-one got it. but the... i asked you what the distance fromyour elbow to your wrist was the same as.it's the same length as your foot. that's so boring, that answer.so, technically we get a point. oh, it's right. i am right. there'sno way that's true. look at this! that's not true. look.hang on. put it up on the desk. put that up on the desk. why have you got little tinyhobbit feet? i'll put them together for you.
it's quite hard to get...aisling: it is hard. you need... david, you need to put it in theinside. argh. yeah, that's the same size. no! look, there's about twoinches... like that. that's the same size. in here. so,breathe into it, david. katherine: men can't do that.breathe into it. david, you're not giving birth! you're so close. you're so close!there he is. it's the same length. it's the same length. it'sno way near the same length.
it is the same length. why isyour foot...? why is it wet? because... i don't know. it's just been in my shoefor quite a long time. ok. ok, i asked you what was going onin this photo. what did you put? david: it's how well ababy's gripping. a baby's grip. coswhen they're first born, if you just touch them on the handthey grip it. they grip the finger. and that's how doctors check it.and you've got, katherine, aisling? grip reflex. it's when we weremonkeys and we used to have to hang onto stuff but nowwe don't need it any more,
but it's still there. ok. it's horrible, though. like do doctors havea reflex to spoil a special moment? cos like your baby is holdingon and you're like, "my god..." and the doctor is like, "yeah,that's cos he's a monkey." noel, richard,did you get this? yes. we put that babies instinctivelygrip. what else did you write? how not to parent. don't pick up your baby with apencil.
because what if that pencil broke?it's awkward. it's an awkward... just get a new pencil.they're not expensive. ok. so cycling's golden couple,laura and jason kenny, asked you what the first pedal bikewas more commonly known as? what did you think? bone rattler. sold at halfords. bone... bone rattler. ok. katherine,aisling? i'm not proud. i'm not proud, katherine. ifeel like i've let the team down.
you know it's not funny, i know it'snot funny. you never let me down. i put down, "vicious cycle." she did. she wrote that. it wasfunny. vicious cycle? i see what you've done. ok, fine.it's a bit of a laugh, isn't it? as schwarzenegger: let's not getinto a vicious cycle. they're all better when arniesays them. ok, david, jonathan? the butt spreader. i think it is a boneshaker. oh. it was actually called...a velocipede, better known as theboneshaker.
jonathan: the boneshaker. i thinkbone rattler maybe gets a point. i actually said boneshaker.he did say it. i point to noel and richard.you said it. but you'vegot to write them down. that's the quiz that we'replaying. oh! this is bullshit. what? all right, and finally i asked youwhat unique talent bill gates demonstrated on a tv show in 1994? fucking his own penis. yes. it's correct(!) look at thehandwriting. look at the handwriting.see where it changes.
see where the handwriting changes. we have got a correct answer. what is the correct answer?jump over a chair. i think he can jump over a chairfrom a standing start. yes. katherine, aisling,what did you get here? well, we... i am going to throw in that he shits money. jonathan, david, what did you...?we said that he was like... he was like a sort of human tripod,that his penis was so large...
we're not proud of that. ..that hecould just sort of lean on itlike that. and invent windows. probably afterwards. we'll take a look and see. is it true that you can leap overa chair from standing position? it depends on the size of the chair,but this chair - probably so. will you do it? yeah. i don'tknow with the microphone onif it's doable. watch the light, ok?i'll cheat a little bit. yes!
i took a step before i did it. richard: that's not from a standingposition. that's good, though.it's something, right? that's like jumping over a tennisnet, isn't it? i can do that. that's bollocks. you can do that? i can.we've got health and safety here. i could jump over you from here. i'm like a flea. in some respects, yes.
do you want to try?you crouch and i jump over you. from a standing position. do i want a back injury?no, i'll be fine. well, it's time now to welcomea special guest. it's double gold medallistjonnie peacock! can't believe our luck. how are you?i'm good, thank you. how are you? yeah. pleased to see you. thanks forcoming on. thanks for having me. this is the rio... this is the riogold. do you want to have a look? no, i'm with you. i would never takeit off!
jonnie! could you jump over jimmy? will you let me jump over you? i'll let you jump over me. yes! he's wearing pixie boots.you're an athlete. just bend down... just bend down infront of you? yeah. of course. this is quiteweird. i've been on for five seconds,that's all i'm saying. i've been on for five secondsand already i'm bending over. this way, but on your knees.i can't jump over that.
that's too high. wearing the medal. ready? go for it. noel: that was good. so, we've got a question here,sports-related question. it is sports related. tell us thequestion. i'm going to demonstrate threesporting celebrations from three different sportsmen...three? you're doing three? i'll grab those for you. so you'vegot three. the first one is...
you got to write down all three...that. so i'm sure... if you... if you don't get that,i'm going to be a little bit... yeah, but maybe we're not intowhat you're into. ok, so that's the first one.you should all get that. second one slightly morechallenging. second one is... this is not the proudest moment ofmy career, but i'm not a great dancer, i'm justgoing to say, but i'm just goingto go for it. so it is... i think.
and the last one is... david: ooh. katherine: what? aisling: what? oh, it's good. he's nailed that. along those lines. could we see the last one again? it's not that i didn't see it, it'si like seeing you uncomfortable. no. shush, leave him alone.you should know. i was told that you'd know thisone. he's an idiot.
the dance was incredible. can we seeyours? we've got to see yourversion. mine isn't any better than that.but it's something. ok, you've all got answers.let's have a look. now, this could be painfulfor everyone concerned. we've written, "usain bolt." then we've written,"football, innit?" which i'm pretty sure we're rightabout. and then our third one is "tiger woods eating berries in thewoods "after he's been kicked out ofhis house by his wife." ok.
noel, richard, what did you get?usain bolt, the bolt man. yeah. peter crouch. yeah. tarzan. you thought the third onewas tarzan? yeah. celebrating his sporting...? he's very good at...jonathan: swinging. cycling. aisling: swing. cheetah makes his bikes. team walliams, what did you put? first one, lightning bolt -usain bolt.
second one we put petercrouch doing the robot. thank god they got that. it was incredible. the last one, we were guessing...we thought it might be a tennis... a tennis player. djokovic does... ahh! what does he do? is it djokovic? on all fours. yeah,djokovic. wow, we got it. we got them all, wegot the lot. usain bolt. peter crouch.and djokovic.
we got the lot. three points.one point. two points. ok, let's take a look atwhat that's done to the scores. so i can tell you now,katherine and aisling have got 22. noel and richard have 27. in the lead with 33, jonathan anddavid! before we take a quick break, ladies and gentlemen, give it up onemore time - jonnie peacock! applausethanks for coming on. fabulous. our next round is all aboutfashion and lifestyle.
i don't follow fashion any more. in fact, fashion has recently takenout a restraining order which means i'm not allowed withinten years of it. for me, comfort is far moreimportant than fashion, which is why under this fancy suiti'm wearing an old, well-worn bra and no knickers. it's a troubling image for everyone.laughter they're laughing because you said"fancy suit." i mean, coming from you!
in a kaftan made of cats' eyes. this is a thing of beauty. do you want to see the full thing? yeah, go on, show us the full thing. close your eyes. ok. i'll tell you when to open them. open them, jimmy. ahhh... a thing of beauty, isn't it?
it's... sometimes when the ku klux klan wantto have a bit of fun. wrong answer, ok. for the first question, over to themaster of illusion, derren brown. hi jimmy, jim, james,this is darren. i have predicted manythings in my time, including the flipping lottery buteven i sometimes need a second opinion which is why i usemy magic 8-ball. you ask it a question, you give it ashake and it reveals to you any one
of 20 different answers,such as, mostly likely, don't count on it and outlook good. those are just three of the answersbut can your teams, and they are teams, name me three,that's three, more? three? that's a lot. he seems to doubt us. i always worry when i see anyfootage of him that he's just emptied mybank account. or, like, i feel likei may be in a trance now.
can we draw a picture? don't draw a picture of a penis! next up, have a look at this newsreport from 1978. why has this reporter been forced todivide up his shopping? you can purchase an orangefrom a shop but tinned oranges are illegal. an easter egg is all right. but sausages, certainly not. you can have biscuits
but not the cheese to go with it,according to mr taylor. a chunky beef and kidneypie is all right. but certainly not lard. when was that from? that's 1978. ok. ok, so why was that reporter forcedto divvy up his shopping? oh, you think so?no, i don't know, maybe... next it's over to our favouritechelsea resident, ollie locke. now, as you know, it's a completesocial faux pas to turn up to
any event unsuitably dressed. whether it be a cocktailreception or at the polo, i always stick to the dress code. and, when i play tennis,i only wear white. now back in the 19th centurywearing white was seen as a symbol of your status. but there was another reason whytennis players started to adhere to the strictall-white dress code. can you tell me why?
yeah, we got it, as well. ok, next question. the first everpez dispenser was launched in 1948. they later became huge hits withcollectors when the company added character heads likemickey mouse but what was the mechanism originally designed toresemble and why? so pez dispensers,what were they meant to look like, initially, and why? jimmy, i don't want to be unkind butyou look like a pez dispenser. ok, next question... the famousvalentine's day poem first appeared
in a collection of nursery rhymespublished in 1783. what i want to know is,what was the original next line. the rose is red,the violet's blue... i've got chlamydia, so have you. ok, so first up, derren brown asked you for somemagic 8-ball answers. so what do you think are the optionsthe magic 8-ball gave you? we wrote, looks unlikely, yes,never, no way and one we can't read any more.
tomorrow. you can have one point for yes. yes is one of them. katherine and aisling? definitely yes, probably not, and... not even if you were on fire. you can have one point foryes, definitely, definitely yes. ok, one point there.and noel, richard? nap immediately.
worry. it's infected. well, i mean,you could have had any of these. you could have had,concentrate and ask again, yes, better not tell you now, without a doubt, my sources say no. i asked you why the reporter had todivide up his shopping. we thought it was like entering thecommon market, or something. it's a very good guess.
it's not right,but it's very good. ok. what did you get,katherine, aisling? we thought he was sorting throughacceptable and not acceptable nicknames for wives. because it was like the '70s. so lard is no, sausages, yeah. yeah. i've been called worse. easter eggs. easter eggs,is that ok as a nickname? easter eggs is a sexy nickname.
tinned peaches?that gets me going on a friday. what did you put? a gang hazing ritual. it was not a gang hazing ritual. it was actually a confusion over thesunday trading laws. oh... because you can only buycertain things on a sunday. they repealed the lawsin 1994 because they were crazy. ok, next we heard frommade in chelsea's ollie who wanted to know why tennisplayers wear white.
because they are virgins andwill be sacrificed. is it because they're all racist? no! katherine, aisling? we also got the same right answer. virgins. i play a lot of tennis,i'll have you know... yeah, virgins. do you wear white when you play?
yes, because i'm a vir... oh, shit! i can tell you the answer was,to avoid unsightly sweat patches. oh... they thought it was gross thatpeople would sweat when doing physical exercise so they wore whiteso it wouldn't show up as much. i asked you the reasoning behind thepez dispensers design? why did it look like that? we said it's a bullet cartridge. again,very good guesses in this round.
incorrect, but very good. what did you think it was, richard? lionel richie. we thought maybe it looked likeone of those lighters because back then kids were allowedto smoke and they were trying to wean them off with sugar. that is exactly the right answer. woo! oh, my god! it was originally designed to stoppeople from smoking.
all right, finally, i asked you tocomplete the valentine's day poem. the rose is red, the violet is blue. er, noel fielding? ghost. ghost toast. toast. ok, katherine, aisling? we put roses are red,violets are blue, sugar is sweet and you havediabetes type 2. i mean, very good.applause
jonathan, david? both: roses are red,violets are blue, do you take it up the flue? is the flue,is that part of a chimney? the flue is the business endof the chimney. it's the bit you need to clean. so what would that mean? are you a chimney sweep? yeah. the answer was, the rose is red,the violet's blue,
the honey is sweet and so are you.aw... ok, at the end of that roundthe scores are... katherine and aisling have 24, noel and richard have 27, jonathan and davidin the lead with 34! thank you, thank you. applause and cheering join us after the break toconfirm your suspicion that people off the telly are muchdumber than you. see you in a bit!
this next round is all aboutcrime and scandal. the oj simpson trial splitpublic opinion with some people saying he did it and some peoplesaying he didn't do it, but one thing is for sure -he definitely did it. john bobbitt's penis was cut offby his wife while he slept. afterwards, john bobbitt became aporn star. well, not straight after. straight after,he screamed for a week. ok, last set of questions. this isformer nasa intern thad roberts. he hit the headlines for stealingmoon rocks in 2002.
he got eight years in prison.why did he do it? wow. he sold themand bought those shorts. who owns the moon? i think it is noel.i think that's probably... i am the moon. in 2007, peter addison was arrestedafter the broke in and graffitied a campsite in stockport and given thetitle britain's dumbest criminal. how was he caught? most people would break outof a campsite in stockport,
wouldn't they?laughter write down your answers.what was his name, jimmy? his name was peter addison. if you're watching, i'm sure you'rea reformed character now and you regret this terrible incidentfrom your past. but it was fucking stupid. laughtergot it. which service, launched in 1937, was said by the london evening newsto be useful in urgent
situations such as, if for instance, the man in the flat next to yoursis murdering his wife. did cat burglars actually used towear masks when they went walking around before a crime?heavily, heavily masked. ok, next we are overto darcey bussell, who's got a question for us. darcey. now, just like the rest of us,i like a bit of gossip, and i was intrigued to learn about thebiggest celebrity scandal of 1926. it involved over 1,000 policeofficers and made front-page news.
it saw arthur conan doyle visita medium in a bid to help. now, what do you think happened? ok, so what was the big celebrityscandal of 1926? have any of you got any ideas?cos i can give you a clue here. yes. give us a clue. yeah, yeah. someone disappeared, and it wasironic that they disappeared. it was a huge mystery.david gasps ironic that they disappeared? got it, got it, got it, got it.thanks, jimmy.
and finally,time for another say what you see. take a look at this, can you workout what famous controversy is being spelled out here? ok. i'm good at these. ok. we know who that is. cash. don't say it out loud.oh, here we go. don't say them out loud. we've gotit. that sort of gives it away. it's quite satisfying. no.come on, aisling. who is that?
we have.... we've got it, jimmy!..got it, mate. bang double fucking wow. give us the trophy now. blah-blah-blah. we've done it! ok, everyone finished?let's have some answers. yes. ok, all right. i asked you what thad roberts didwith the moon rocks he stole, what do you think? he gave them to his girlfriendwho sold them on ebay.
and that's how he got caught. he gave something to hisgirlfriend. katherine, aisling? we weren't sure. we thought maybehe tried to smoke them. or maybe he tried to sell themto a different planet. and now we're thinking maybe he,like, stoned a creationist. noel, richard, what did you think?they laugh he hid them, initially, then ebay. ok. well, i can tell you,
he laid them out on his bed and hadsex with his girlfriend on them. katherine: no! how did people find outhe had sex on the rocks unless he told everybody?i think you told everybody. oh. well, i think you would telleveryone, wouldn't you? "i've done it on a moon rock!" what a boast. big deal! because, effectively,they had sex on the moon. they didn't, they had sex on a moonrock, and it went up his arse.
that makes everything more fun.ok, no points for anyone there. i asked you how peter addisonwas caught after he graffitied a campsite building.david, you seem very confident. he wrote his own nameunder the graffiti. he signed his own graffiti. ok, what did you think,katherine, aisling? we said "peter was here." you got the right idea.and, noel, richard? he filmed himselfand put it on youtube.
boom, jimmy! boom! is that right? he wrote the words "peter addisonwas here" on the wall. oh. have a look. he also wrote"british garden birds r gay." that's pretty good. ok.so, points, points, no points. i asked what service launchedin 1937 was said to be useful if... what did you put? the police. 999. they introducedthe 999 service. 999 service.
999. 999. you got points all aroundfor that. points all around. yay! next, darcey bussell asked youwhat was the biggest celebrity scandal of 1926. what did you get? we got confused. we thought it mightbe the disappearance of agatha christie, but we thinkwe're probably wrong on that. what did you write, though? well, we wrote... i thoughtit might be some kind of hoax. he wrote sherlock holmesgoes missing, and i said, "sherlock holmes can't go missingcos he doesn't exist."
ok, katherine, aisling,what did you get for this? what we put down, he was tryingto solve his own murder. so you thought the answer waswhat i said in the question? solving his own murder, yeah. no! ok, noel, richard. i thought it had something to dowith the cottingley fairies, but i think you're right.i think agatha christie disappeared. she did disappear.but i don't know if it was then. what are the fairies?
the cottingley fairies.you know arthur conan doyle... yes, i think you might be right. yes! that's cos arthur conan doyledid investigate... these little girlshad pictures of fairies. you didn't write it down,no points, but you were right. it was agatha christie'sdisappearance. jonathan, david, you get points. agatha christie disappearedfor 11 days, sparking a nationwide manhunt. ok.
and finally,you saw a say what you see. what did you see?katherine, aisling? we got "man threeon paddle scandal". "man three on paddle scandal." ok. imagine it's not right, jimmy.noel, richard? cash four switch fish baby doll. or... question scandal. double oar. scandal. questions. no. what did you get,jonathan, david?
cash for honours scandal. it's the right answer. yes! points for jonathan and david. ok, time now for the big question. please welcomemy very special guest, the london philharmonic choirand their conductor neville creed. yeah. yeah, that's right, we'veclassed things up a little bit. ok, thank you for joining us thisevening. not at all. excellent. now, you're going to beplaying four, i believe,
r&b and rap classics... oh, lovely. ..in your own style. yep. all you need to do is write downthe song and the artist. right. four songs,that's it. got it. so the first song.let's hear the first song. # go, gogo, go, go, go, go, go, go, shawty # it's your birthday # we gon' partylike it's your birthday # we gon' sip bacardilike it's your birthday
# and you know we don't give ait's not your birthday # go, go. # ok, that was the first tune. cheers and applause ok, so we need the artistand the song. ok, next one. hit it. # come here, girlgo ahead, be gone with it # come to the backgo ahead, be gone with it # vip# go ahead, be gone with it
# drinks on mego ahead, be gone with it # let me seewhat you're twerkin' with # go ahead, be gone with it # look at those hipsgo ahead, be gone with it # you make me smilego ahead, be gone with it. # go ahead, child# go ahead, be gone with it # get your sexy on # get your sexy on! # so, we'll need the artist and song.ok, third one. hit it.
# he a mother... trip, tripsailor of the ship, ship # when he make it drip, dripkiss him on the lip, lip # that's the kind of dudei was lookin' for # and yes, you'll get slappedif you're lookin' hoe # i saidexcuse me, you're a hell of a guy #i mean my, my, my, myyou're like pelican fly # i mean, you're so shyand i'm loving your tie # you're like slicker than the guywith the thing on his eye, oh # yes, i didyes, i did
# somebody please tell himwho the f i is # i am # i mack them dudes up, back coupesup, and chuck the deuce up. # i mean... i mean, you nailed that. ok, final one. # now that the party is jumping # with the bass kicked inand the vegas are pumpin' # quick to the point, to the pointno faking # cooking mcs like a pound of baconburning them
# they ain't quick and nimble # i go crazy when i hear a cymbal # and a hi hatwith a souped up tempo # i'm on a rollit's time to go solo. # ok. let's get our last lotof answers. ok, so, did you get them?noel, richard? yeah? four answers, four songs. yeah. what have you got? 50 cent in da club. 100%, yeah.
brown girl in the ring. boney m. i mean, no. no. something... by tony monopoly. i don't know. i didn't know which one, i knew it was tony monopoly. we got the last one, though.the last one is vanilla ice. vanilla ice. i do know that. ok, so you got four points there.
ok, jonathan, david,what did you get? we said 50 cent, it's your birthday. it's your birthday, that's what weput. ok, one point there. missy elliott? get your freak on. the second one. no, incorrect on both of those. then we thought it was somethingby rihanna, riri, but we didn't know what. and then you thought?
and then we thought kanye west. you got one point there. aisling. the foreign twerkers, we knew it. and great job, by the way, everyone. lovin' it.so did you get them all? yeah. yes. yeah. yes, we did. so what have you got? 50 cent in da club. ok. justin timberlake.
sexyback. correct. nicki minaj. super bass. and vanilla ice. # ice, ice, baby! # eight points, a full house there. well done. that means the final scores are... in last place, noel fielding
and richard ayoade with 32. with a very creditable 34, katherine ryan and aisling bea. they got pretty close. the winners ofthe big fat quiz of everything - jonathan ross and david walliams. i will give you your trophy.thank you. you've earnt that, gentlemen.thank you.
Can You Join The Military With Diabetes,thanks to our amazing panel,our wonderful choir,
all our special guestsand thanks to you for watching. good night. subtitles by ericsson
Now you realize how to manage your condition, you will be better ready to create the correct choices and adjustments in your lifetime. Remember that the following tips are only pertinent if you are using as many of them as is possible, and for that reason you should start off now to see timely results.
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